I’m a little in awe of myself. Maybe that’s a little arrogant or misguided but, fuck it, something happened and it was BIG!
Let me preface with, this did not happen on the shores of some beautiful beach, neither on top of some glorious mountain. I wasn’t moved by inspirational words or forced into action by a moment of tragedy. It was the little things. The little moments added together to create a feeling so strong I let it out alone, on a balcony, with headphones on, dancing (quite aptly and cheesy as fuck) to ‘This is Me’.
I went away and did something that, quite rightly, people say I would never have done five years ago. Too scared about what people would think of me: my personality, how I look, my humour, my struggle to connect so quickly with others, I have a shit memory (legit, I’ve been tested)…I swear a lot. I am the master at getting myself to feel inferior to ANYONE! I have carried this inferiority feeling for as long as I can remember and it’s tiring as fuck and sneaks into every crack and crevice of my world.
So, I applied to do something with a ‘meh, fuck it’ attitude but promised myself that I would practice being authentic (Word of 2018). I would not try to mould myself to fit something I am not. AND I FUCKING DID IT!
I laughed.
I danced (poorly).
I sang (badly).
I swore (‘go fuck yourself’ & ‘suck a dick’ becoming terms of endearment)
I was never going to be the smartest, the funniest, the strongest, the fastest, insert what you will. And this turned out to be okay. I didn’t have to be perfect or super good at something, I just had to be me.
Do you know how incredibly fucking awesome that feels? How freeing it is?
To.
Just.
Be.
Me?
Do not misread this, I am in no way naive enough to think I am done. There is still plenty of work to be getting on with, growth to be found which will hurt, be uncomfortable, maybe painful at times but, for right now, in this moment, I am acknowledging that something happened and it was fucking BIG!
